Clear and open communication: Help for couples, families, friends and caregivers when the Stress of Life Interrupted by Chronic Illness is your reality.....
All to often relationships struggle, faultier, even fail completely as a result of one's life being disrupted and shaken to it's very core by the overwhelming stress put on one's relationships when a member of the family is stricken with a debilitating chronic illness or disability. It has been reported in the United States that seventy-five percent of those relationships where one of the partners suffer from a debilitating chronic condition like Multiple Sclerosis (MS) ends in divorce. To me that is a devastatingly lofty number of divorces and an extremely sad fact.
The HollistonReporter.com June 27, 2008
Funny story, Maybe!
By Chris Tatevosian
Recently I held a discussion and book signing at the Hopkinton 
public library in Hopkinton MA. During the question-and-answer segment of our discussion, one of the participants, the only person present with MS, asked a question beginning with the statement; “I’m amazed, and excited to know that after all that you have been through, you are now remarried. How did that happen, because as you said you are worse physically today than during your first marriage? And, what changed, I mean what was the turning point that allowed you to move forward find happiness and get remarried?”
Of course, I knew exactly what she meant, because at one time I had the very same concern with which she was referring. At the point that my wife first wanted to divorce, I had an inner dialogue that went something like this: O’kay Chris, you have what is now becoming severe MS, who’s going to want to marry someone with MS? No one is going to want to marry damaged goods. I am sure that I was not the first one .to ever have this inner dialogue. It’s a real fear.
I met my then wife to be, Jane, through an online dating service and she was totally aware of my disability. After we had gone on our first date I remember asking her, why would anyone get involved with damaged goods? Why would anyone purchase a vase with a crack in the bottom? Jane’s response was “maybe, I need one to hold my dried flowers”. All she wanted was “kindness and love” no anger, just kindness and love. It helps that we both have the same goofy sense of humor. We laugh and laugh together and at one another all the time. Sure, I have slipped ups, get frustrated and angry, the difference is that I have written, re-written, read and re-read. my book so many times that when I do begin to slip-up it’s so obvious that I can’t help but catch myself. And let’s not forget, Jane has read the book so when I slip up she’s quick to point out “Chris, I think you need to revisit page 52“ and we have a good chuckle. Remember life is too short, you choose whether to smile or argue. We were married a year later in April 2008 and life is fantastic. Jane is the most wonderful, loving and caring person that I have ever known. If I had listened to my inner dialogue, I would never have met my incredibly awesome and loving wife, Jane. Never give up.
DivineCaroline.com Winter 2007
Your occupation vs. your spiritual vocation
by Chris Tatevosian
I have written a book that I believe glorifies God. I have shared numerous discussions and held book signings at Christian churches, libraries, coffee houses and bookstores here in
Allow me to introduce myself ,”Life Interrupted-It’s Not All About Me”, by Chris Tatevosian is my real life story dealing with marriage interrupted by multiple sclerosis, the emotional issues and possible coping skills. It could have been any chronic illness or disability or anybody’s relationship, but my goal for writing this book is the same. My goal is to help others in similar situations recognize and eliminate the growth of the relationship destroying “poor me” attitude; which frequently accompanies chronic illnesses.
Much of this information within the book may seem obvious, but as I learned the hard way, the obvious becomes clouded when life is interrupted by chronic illness or disability. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis over twenty-seven years ago, when I was a freshman in college. The disease would eventually result in the demise of my marriage. Whether you are the patient, a family member and or the caregiver this book is for you. If by writing this book, just one relationship is benefited it will have been a success and well worth exposing my past, literally making my life an open book.
By sharing my actual experiences with chronic illness and divorce I hope to provide others with the knowledge, awareness and understanding intended to help them avoid making the same relationship destroying mistakes that I did by dealing more positively with the emotional and physical stresses put on a relationship when life is interrupted by chronic illness or disability.
So, how does your occupation vs. your spiritual vocation find its way to being the title of such an article you ask? First, we must differentiate between the two. Your occupation is what you do to make money…..your job. Your spiritual vocation is a gift, a talent that you possess which you choose to utilize to please God. For example, you may be a gifted artist, singer, writer or homebuilder whatever it is, it is a gift from God that we as people turn around and utilize to please God by showing others His glorious love at work within us. After all, isn’t that what it’s all about?
Summer 2008 issue of MSfocus Magazine
The Gang’s All Here
Sounds like the cast of a real nightmare. At that point of my life it literally was a real nightmare, and I couldn’t see myself ever waking up. MS can become a real nightmare destroying relationships between spouses, family members even friends. I wrote the book “Life Interrupted, It’s Not All About Me,“ a self-help memoir, my real life story of marriage interrupted by multiple sclerosis. It could have been any chronic illness or disability and it could have been anyone’s relationship. Still, this book is intended to help others going through a similar situation deal with the stress and hardship put on one’s relationship as a result of life being interrupted by chronic illness or disability.
I should’ve known something was up when my then wife and I went days without any real communication. I guess I did know. Call it being a dumb guy, but I was expecting a literal warning, an out right ultimatum. Something like, “Chris you need to change or Chris, you/we need counseling or I won’t stay in this marriage. Eventually the combination of this physically debilitating disease and my quick to anger poor me attitude was more than enough to make the difficult decision for my wife to leave come to fruition. This interruption to our once loving relationship had become too much for my wife to bear. Remember, it wasn’t just my then wife watching her partner struggling with his physical losses. No, it was also, and in my case likely more so my unintended compassionless and bitterly radical emotional changes and instability unbearable. Unintended or not my unacceptable behavior and complete personality change combined with my overwhelming stress, misdirected anger, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, worry, miscommunication and depression, the “whole gang,“ just became too much to bear. I lost sight of what was important in life, that's why I wrote my book dealing with all the emotional turmoil that is thrown into a relationship that is interrupted by chronic illness.
I got remarried last April. My new bride, Jane, is fantastic. And even though my disease is worse off than during my first marriage I could not ask for more. So what’s changed? We truly have a wonderful relationship. Why is my marriage working so well now, even though my MS has continued to progress over the past eight years. I can attribute this to two factors. First, Jane is truly a special person, and second. I have written this book, which has afforded me the opportunity to slow down and examine my life. The obvious fact is, we have the choice to go through life dealing with whatever trials and tribulations we must, and we must deal, with either a smile or a frown. Yes, we have an affliction, but that doesn’t mean we have to go through the rest of our lives pissed off at everything and everyone, living in complete misery.
My wife Jane and I, we, laugh and laugh together and at one another all the time. Sure, I have slipped ups, get frustrated and angry. It happened just the other night. I became so frustrated with Jane during the middle of the morning. It must have been about
Winter 2009 issue – Men and MS MSfocus magazine
Sometimes a Nap is in Order
By Chris Tatevosian
How important is it to get eight hours of sleep, you ask? When you're dealing with symptoms like mine –- paralyzing spasticity, intention tremors, numbness and visual problems – it plays more of a role than you might think.
Consider the other day: I woke up at 6 a.m., taking care to adjust the firmness of my Sleep Number bed so that I would be able to sit up and slide out. A soft mattress is out of the question for me. Whenever I attempt to sit up, I just fall backwards. Because my spasticity gets worse with each attempt, before long I'm flopping around on the bed like a flounder and only aggravating the reason I urgently need to get up in the first place: to get to the bathroom.
By increasing the firmness of the bed, I finally managed to get into my motorized chair. (My power chair, grunt, grunt! Sounds masculine doesn't it? Well, hold on, because I'm about to be emasculated.)
I shot into my beautifully-renovated handicapped-accessible bathroom. Utilizing a jungle gym of grab bars I managed to sit myself onto the toilet but my legs were locked tightly together in front of me, toes pointing at the ceiling, not exactly the position most conducive for a guy to empty his bladder. What to do, what to do? Not much time to consider that. We were down to the buzzer, as they say. I grabbed a towel and threw it on my lap. Sometimes a guy just has to do what he has to do. Time for a shower.
Most mornings, I have no problems in that area. I have grab bars on all sides of the shower and a seat that I use to reduce fatigue. But as I reached for the bars, bottles of shampoo, conditioner and body wash started falling over like giant dominos. I should have just started off by throwing everything in the bathroom on the shower floor, because that's where we all eventually ended up anyway. Oh yeah, I was down there too. My legs just buckled and gravity took over from there.
Since I already had the soap and shampoo all around me, I figured I would just lather up right where I was – which worked out great, at first. But getting off the floor is tough enough for me. Throw some soap into the mix and you have an X-rated episode of the Dick VanDyke show. Oh, Robbbb!
On to lunchtime. I chose to make a simple peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich, which should have been an easy meal since I didn't have to stand at the stove and cook. I laid out four slices of bread and began spreading the peanut butter. Even with my numb hands that was pretty easy. I only dropped the knife twice, once onto the table and once onto the floor. Spreading the marshmallow fluff was more of a struggle. I dropped the knife several more times and the bread got torn apart, but I was close to completing the task. All I had to do was put the slices together, one slice with peanut butter, one with fluff. The result? You guessed it. Both slices ended up face down on the cat-hair covered carpet. It took more than an hour to clean up the sticky mess.
At that point, I cut my losses. I climbed back into bed, which turned out to be one of the better choices I made that day. I slept for an hour-and-a-half, but awoke a new man. I wish I could say I didn't have MS anymore (no luck there) but what actually happened was that I was refreshed and able to function much better. I held on to my utensils at dinner, something many people take for granted but for me was a huge deal, especially given how I had functioned earlier in the day. By 11:30 p.m., I was able to work out as usual. That's when I started to put it all together.
Although it might sound strange, I always try to exercise late at night, most often around midnight. That's because I've realized my "bad" time of day is usually between 4 p.m. and 10 p.m., when I have the most severe weakness, fatigue and decreased neurological function. The physical losses are thought to be temperature related. During the evening and early nighttime hours, our bodies experience a slight increase in temperature. For me, that's enough to precipitate what I call my "neurological shutdown." Late at night and during the early morning hours, my ability to function remarkably returns.
So, after my bad start on the day, I had to smile thinking about something neurologists seem to say all the time: a nap during the afternoon can be helpful. I learned first-hand that something that simple could be more beneficial than I would have thought. I had shrugged off the suggestion to rest time and time again, but it truly had worked. A nap: what a truly rejuvenating idea!
Chris Tatevosian is the author of "Life Interrupted: It's Not All About Me." Originally self-published in 2007, the book has been reissued by Tate publishing with added content, a new cover and clearer images. Chris grew up in Holliston, Mass. and was diagnosed with MS while he was in his freshman year at Johnson State College in Vermont. He, his new wife, Jane, and her two college-aged children live in suburban Massachusetts.
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